Prensa Libre, Guatemala

If Bush Were Chavez …

"… poverty would be a source of pride and wealth would be a cause for shame. Lies would be truth, and the irony would be a democracy lived under tyranny ... the American dream would be to escape the North in search of freedom."

By Carlos Zúñiga Fumagalli

Translated By Carly Gatzert

March 13, 2007

Guatemala - Prensa Libre - Original Article (Spanish)

"Passions are like wind: They are needed to set things in motion, but they frequently result in hurricanes."

If another rooster would crow, the world would be a different place. To begin with, cable television would be without alternative channels; all the TV channels would be closed for criticizing the president or mentioning his "sainted" progenitor. [A reference to his mother].

If Bush were Chavez, football [soccer] would be banned for being American rather than pro-Bolivarian. We would have to eat arepas (corn cakes) at the movie theater, since hot dogs would be forbidden. Even "shucos del Liceo" (Guatemalan hot dogs) would be outlawed since they contain sausage, a typical symbol of imperialism.

The nickname "Uncle Sam" would be history, and Papa Hugo would prevail, wearing a red beret rather than a striped hat and waving a flag with a horse galloping backwards instead of the stars and stripes [Chavez changed the insignia on the Venezuelan flag so that the horse is galloping backwards]. Poverty would be a source of pride and wealth would be a cause for shame. Lies would be truth, and the irony would be a democracy lived under tyranny.

The American dream would be to escape the North in search of freedom. The "tortilla wall" [the Mexican border wall] would be just like the ocean is to Cuba, serving as a barrier that enslaves a community in misery. The United States would cease to act as the granary of the world and would begin importing grains to feed its hungry.

The New York Times, The Washington Post, El Quetzalteco and even Nuestro Diario would be history, for attempting to undermine the regime by publishing "bad" news and criticism. El Granma (the official mouthpiece of Cub's Communist Party) would be the official source of news and No nos tientes ("Don't Tempt Us," 1994 documentary about Guatemalan student protests WATCH ) would be the most accurate reflection of our culture.

We wouldn't have to waste money on representatives, judges, prosecutors, attorneys, ministers, colonels or mayors, given that "Emperor Chavez" would all-powerful, the super hero. Evangelical Christians would be persecuted for loving the Christ of the imperialists; the Catholic clergy would remember their vow of poverty.

If Bush were Chavez, we wouldn't be allowed to protest his visit, nor write anything against him, nor even think about blocking his path as he sought to visit our ruins. No streets would be closed, but instead it would be declared a national holiday [Everyone would stay home]. Bin Laden would be a hero and Bill Gates, a terrorist.

The quetzal (Guatemala's national bird) would be subjugated to the flight of the eagle and your children would either be dead or subject to slavery. Jets, helicopters and tanks would not come to protect us, but to rule over us; there would be no differences based on ethnicity, gender or religion, as we'd all be equally screwed. Thank heavens it is Bush who visits.

Spanish Version Below

Si Bush fuera Chávez

"Las pasiones son como los vientos: son necesarias para poner en movimiento todas las cosas, aunque con frecuencia originan huracanes".

Por: Carlos Zúñiga Fumagalli.

Otro gallo cantaría, el mundo sería diferente. Para empezar, el cable estaría sin alternativas de canales: todos los canales de televisión habrían cerrado por criticar al presidente o nombrar a su "santa" progenitora.

Estaría vedado el fútbol por ser americano y no bolivariano, tendríamos que comer arepas en el cine, puesto que los hot-dogs estarían prohibidos; hasta los shucos del Liceo por contener salchicha, un símbolo típico del imperialismo.

Sería historia el apodo de Tío Sam y prevalecería el de Papá Hugo, sin sombrero de copas rayado sino con boina roja, al lado de una bandera sin estrellas y rayas sino con un caballo corriendo, pero pa’trás. La pobreza sería un orgullo, y la riqueza, una vergüenza; la mentira, una verdad, y la ironía sería la democracia vivida como tiranía.

El sueño americano sería huir del norte en busca de libertad. La tortilla wall sería, al igual que el océano en Cuba: el muro esclavizante de un pueblo en miseria. Estados Unidos pasaría de ser el granero del mundo, a importar granos para saciar a medias sus hambrunas.

The New York Times, The Washington Post, El Quetzalteco y hasta Nuestro Diario serían historia, por atentar contra el régimen, publicando malas noticias y críticas. El Granma sería el diario oficial y el Nonostientes la mejor muestra de nuestra cultura.

Cuando Papá Hugo nos visite, los tres micos que hacen pintas contra los gringos, en detrimento de nuestro patrimonio y ornato, lo recibirían con tambores y chirimías, dándole la bienvenida al procónsul de la miseria con equidad.

No tendríamos que malgastar el dinero en diputados, jueces, magistrados, procuradores, ministros, coroneles y alcaldes, puesto que el "emperador Chávez" sería el todopoderoso, el súper héroe. Los evangélicos serían perseguidos por amar al Cristo de los imperialistas; los cleros católicos recordarían el voto de pobreza.

Si Bush fuera Chávez, no podríamos protestar por su visita, ni escribir en su contra, ni pensar en bloquear su paso a las ruinas. No cerrarían unas calles, sino decretarían feriado nacional. Bin Laden sería un héroe, y Bill Gates, un terrorista.

El quetzal estaría subyugado al vuelo del cóndor, y tus hijos esclavos o muertos serían. Los jets, helicópteros y tanquetas no vendrían a protegerlo, sino a someternos; no habría diferencias por etnia, género o religión, todos estaríamos bien jodidos por igual. Menos mal viene Bush.